Dealing

Ok, so admittedly I deal w/ things a little differently than most people. I deal w/ emotional situations a lot like my dad does, and like my dad, very few people understand how I deal. Sometimes people get offended with the way that I handle things close to the heart, but that's just me and to do it any other way probably wouldn't be pretty.

I have had a really hard time dealing w/ the death of my grandmother. I was very close to her so needless to say I've been very emotional lately. I have become quiet, reserved, secluded, and don't really want to talk about it much w/ people that don't know me and how it was with my granny and me (which really narrows down the field). However, I have also become even more jittery and have an even greater need to be doing something, more so than usual that is. Before I left going back home to help w/ everything I gave my house a through cleaning. Yesterday when I got home I watered my flowers, planted some peppers and strawberries, and took the house plants that were sent to the funeral that I brought home outside and watered them and arranged them on the porch for the summer. After I got everything done I wanted to do outside I went inside, ate a little something, and decided that I didn't want to wait for Mama to come and help me rearrange my furniture, so I started doing it by myself. I moved the big desk out of my bedroom and into the living room, and the little desk from the living room into my bedroom, then moved the bookshelf to where I wanted it, the recliner and coffee table are lying in wait right now until the TV stand gets moved to the corner where the little desk was, and the big couch is put on the wall where the TV stand is. Then the recliner will be put by the window and I haven't decided where the coffee table will go yet. I'm workin' on it. (*looks back and reads* Yea, I think we can all see how my mind works when I'm all emotions....there's a good example just in writing..lol.) So I've obviously been a busy beaver and I'm afraid to see what will happen once I have everything done. That's coming up soon.

Also, b/c of the way that I cope B. thinks I'm pissed at her. She thought that I didn't want her to come to the house the other day b/c of the way I sounded on the phone. She said that from the tone of my voice she didn't think I wanted her there. In reality I did (which I explained in the previous post) and sounded that way b/c I was trying to keep myself from breaking down on the phone. I guess B. doesn't know me as well as we all thought. That's what 5 years of not talking and seeing each other will do to ya I guess. But I'm not mad and I still love her same as always, but apparently the feelings not the same from the look of her myspace. But she has to understand that I posted what I posted last time for the same reason that I post almost everything. So that I can get things out so that they aren't in my head, so that I don't have that burden of thought process left on my shoulders, so that I can look back at them and rationalize it and see where the issue lies and what I can do to resolve it. That is why I post people. B/c it's what's in my head, a perspective of things from my world. Don't take any of it personally or to heart b/c I am willing to bet that when you read it, it will not be in the tone for which I meant it to be. Not to mention, if you aren't accustomed to dealing w/ emotional or depressed me it's a whole new ball game. It's just a part of how I deal and cope with things. I'm sorry for those of you who don't understand it, or don't get it, or don't want to have to deal with it, but I can't be sorry for doing it. It's just part of who I am and if that confuses you or upsets you just stop and ask me about it and I'll be happy to explain whatever it is that happened for you.

It wasn't just B. that was thrown off by my way of dealing, it was some of my extended family. Wed. I left the funeral home in a rush, some thought it was b/c I was mad b/c my brother forgot to bring me my purse, but in reality it was b/c I was up visiting my granny w/ my papa and he leaned over and kissed her. It just really threw me b/c I knew that was something I wouldn't get to see ever again. I didn't want everyone to see me in that state so I left for a while until I could find myself again, and then I returned. I can honestly say that's an image I'll probably never get out of my head. But at the same time, to know that when you've had a man to love you so much that he would kiss you even after you were cold and long dead, then you know you have truly been loved.

For those of you who have never had the "pleasure" of having the experience of emotional me, just know that the bubbly, goodie goodie, sweet, do anything for ya L. that you all know and love just ain't there. I am more of a mild withdrawn person that if set off is more of the pessimistic, cynical bitch. Some might say like I was my Sr. year in HS (which wouldn't be far from wrong b/c the first half I was depressed and was eventually medicated for it, but not many ppl saw that side of me. I am really good at hiding behind the mask that I have created). But hey, I think we all have a part of ourselves that we never show other ppl. That's just a part of me that VERY few get the inside scoop on.

So I wait, it'll all catch up w/ me eventually and I will just sit down and ball my eyes out until there aren't any more tear left but I still cry. It's hard to explain but that's what happens. I run from it until I just eventually have to MAKE time for it. I try to make sure there is someone there to help when that happens but it isn't always possible. Why wait you ask? B/c when I finally break and all is done and finished I just want to be held (as we all do) for a while. But mainly, when I break I am no good until I have slept the night b/c it physically and mentally exhausts me. Like I said...it ain't pretty.

So now I am sitting here at the last day of school and teacher post-planning. Why I am here I don't really know, it's not like my services are used more than maybe about once a day and most of those could have been done w/o me. I obviously need to get home and finish my living room and bed room that was left in shambles...lol. But even after I leave here I have to go meet with an interpreter friend of mine, I., and go to a meeting that we have at UGA about some work we are doing this summer. Then I'll get to go home. She and I are planning to go out and do something again this weekend. Don't know what yet b/c we're both broke but know that we don't wanna just sit at home. Especially me and especially right now, and I think she kinda knows that. I just wanna stay busy and get out of the house. Who knows what kind of trouble she and I will find to get into. For those of you who are curious, she's the one that died my hair blue for me back during Christmas. Hee hee. So you can imagine.

So I guess just keep me in your thoughts and prayers and toss me a line occasionally so that if I have nothing else to do I can always reply to e-mails.

So until next time kiddies:

Keep your nose clean and don't do anything I wouldn't do.
(Which don't narrow it down too much.)