Dealing

Ok, so admittedly I deal w/ things a little differently than most people. I deal w/ emotional situations a lot like my dad does, and like my dad, very few people understand how I deal. Sometimes people get offended with the way that I handle things close to the heart, but that's just me and to do it any other way probably wouldn't be pretty.

I have had a really hard time dealing w/ the death of my grandmother. I was very close to her so needless to say I've been very emotional lately. I have become quiet, reserved, secluded, and don't really want to talk about it much w/ people that don't know me and how it was with my granny and me (which really narrows down the field). However, I have also become even more jittery and have an even greater need to be doing something, more so than usual that is. Before I left going back home to help w/ everything I gave my house a through cleaning. Yesterday when I got home I watered my flowers, planted some peppers and strawberries, and took the house plants that were sent to the funeral that I brought home outside and watered them and arranged them on the porch for the summer. After I got everything done I wanted to do outside I went inside, ate a little something, and decided that I didn't want to wait for Mama to come and help me rearrange my furniture, so I started doing it by myself. I moved the big desk out of my bedroom and into the living room, and the little desk from the living room into my bedroom, then moved the bookshelf to where I wanted it, the recliner and coffee table are lying in wait right now until the TV stand gets moved to the corner where the little desk was, and the big couch is put on the wall where the TV stand is. Then the recliner will be put by the window and I haven't decided where the coffee table will go yet. I'm workin' on it. (*looks back and reads* Yea, I think we can all see how my mind works when I'm all emotions....there's a good example just in writing..lol.) So I've obviously been a busy beaver and I'm afraid to see what will happen once I have everything done. That's coming up soon.

Also, b/c of the way that I cope B. thinks I'm pissed at her. She thought that I didn't want her to come to the house the other day b/c of the way I sounded on the phone. She said that from the tone of my voice she didn't think I wanted her there. In reality I did (which I explained in the previous post) and sounded that way b/c I was trying to keep myself from breaking down on the phone. I guess B. doesn't know me as well as we all thought. That's what 5 years of not talking and seeing each other will do to ya I guess. But I'm not mad and I still love her same as always, but apparently the feelings not the same from the look of her myspace. But she has to understand that I posted what I posted last time for the same reason that I post almost everything. So that I can get things out so that they aren't in my head, so that I don't have that burden of thought process left on my shoulders, so that I can look back at them and rationalize it and see where the issue lies and what I can do to resolve it. That is why I post people. B/c it's what's in my head, a perspective of things from my world. Don't take any of it personally or to heart b/c I am willing to bet that when you read it, it will not be in the tone for which I meant it to be. Not to mention, if you aren't accustomed to dealing w/ emotional or depressed me it's a whole new ball game. It's just a part of how I deal and cope with things. I'm sorry for those of you who don't understand it, or don't get it, or don't want to have to deal with it, but I can't be sorry for doing it. It's just part of who I am and if that confuses you or upsets you just stop and ask me about it and I'll be happy to explain whatever it is that happened for you.

It wasn't just B. that was thrown off by my way of dealing, it was some of my extended family. Wed. I left the funeral home in a rush, some thought it was b/c I was mad b/c my brother forgot to bring me my purse, but in reality it was b/c I was up visiting my granny w/ my papa and he leaned over and kissed her. It just really threw me b/c I knew that was something I wouldn't get to see ever again. I didn't want everyone to see me in that state so I left for a while until I could find myself again, and then I returned. I can honestly say that's an image I'll probably never get out of my head. But at the same time, to know that when you've had a man to love you so much that he would kiss you even after you were cold and long dead, then you know you have truly been loved.

For those of you who have never had the "pleasure" of having the experience of emotional me, just know that the bubbly, goodie goodie, sweet, do anything for ya L. that you all know and love just ain't there. I am more of a mild withdrawn person that if set off is more of the pessimistic, cynical bitch. Some might say like I was my Sr. year in HS (which wouldn't be far from wrong b/c the first half I was depressed and was eventually medicated for it, but not many ppl saw that side of me. I am really good at hiding behind the mask that I have created). But hey, I think we all have a part of ourselves that we never show other ppl. That's just a part of me that VERY few get the inside scoop on.

So I wait, it'll all catch up w/ me eventually and I will just sit down and ball my eyes out until there aren't any more tear left but I still cry. It's hard to explain but that's what happens. I run from it until I just eventually have to MAKE time for it. I try to make sure there is someone there to help when that happens but it isn't always possible. Why wait you ask? B/c when I finally break and all is done and finished I just want to be held (as we all do) for a while. But mainly, when I break I am no good until I have slept the night b/c it physically and mentally exhausts me. Like I said...it ain't pretty.

So now I am sitting here at the last day of school and teacher post-planning. Why I am here I don't really know, it's not like my services are used more than maybe about once a day and most of those could have been done w/o me. I obviously need to get home and finish my living room and bed room that was left in shambles...lol. But even after I leave here I have to go meet with an interpreter friend of mine, I., and go to a meeting that we have at UGA about some work we are doing this summer. Then I'll get to go home. She and I are planning to go out and do something again this weekend. Don't know what yet b/c we're both broke but know that we don't wanna just sit at home. Especially me and especially right now, and I think she kinda knows that. I just wanna stay busy and get out of the house. Who knows what kind of trouble she and I will find to get into. For those of you who are curious, she's the one that died my hair blue for me back during Christmas. Hee hee. So you can imagine.

So I guess just keep me in your thoughts and prayers and toss me a line occasionally so that if I have nothing else to do I can always reply to e-mails.

So until next time kiddies:

Keep your nose clean and don't do anything I wouldn't do.
(Which don't narrow it down too much.)

Update, death, friends, and comfort

Past:
To catch you all up work has been hell, the supervisors and the boss has been conferenced w/ on the hell it has become and hopefully things will be better if not before then hopefully next year (in school terms).

B accused R of stealing $60, he was insulted that she would think he would do that, I was insulted that she would think I would bring a thief to her house, but could understand why she thought it b/c he went into her house to get some things for me, I had told her he was coming but something came up and she wasn't there when he arrived and he waited for 30 minutes or so and no one came and it would be the only opportunity he had to get them. He knocked on the door again and the door came open on it's own so he just went in and got my things and left...I understand both sides and at this point I just stay out of it. Whatever, it's their argument.

I am still single w/ no prospects in site. *sigh* Who knew that I would be single at 25 and not really care. I figured I would be married and considering children at this point....HA....there goes that life plan out the window, but you know what...that's ok. I am happy being single. I don't have to worry about anyone but myself and frankly, I haven't seen anyone worth running after. At this point I just want to find a church near where I live and then I am hoping everything else will just fall into place. So if anyone knows of a church near Lexington or East Athens area that uses the KJV Holy Bible and knows how to serve a proper communion (w/o salted crackers) please let me know.

So that's what's been happening.

Present:

This week has been a rough one. I was home last weekend and my Granny went into the hospital. Sunday before I left she was doing considerably better but I knew that I should have stayed. I had a gut feeling that I didn't need to go but I went against it. Monday afternoon my dad calls and tells me that Granny died. Tuesday I was back home and helping out every way I could. I was VERY close to my grandmother. She was truly an inspiration to me. She is the person that first taught me to sign my alphabet. You could say that she's probably the reason that I chose the profession that I have. Last summer she taught me to quilt and the thought of that still brings a smile to my heart and a tear to my eye. She was an inspirational woman even after she had her stoke 20 years ago that left her w/o the ability to speak. Her passing left a HUGE hole in a lot of ppl's hearts that'll never be filled. However, there is no doubt in any of our minds where Granny is today. I figure that by now she has talked the ears off of everyone that would listen as well as played them a tune or two on a harmonica.

A "wise" friend told me when he found out that Granny died that "now you will find out who your friends are and how many REAL friends you have." He knew my grandmother and knows how much she means to me. He also knows loss and speaks from experience and I'll have to say that he wasn't wholly wrong. B told me on Tuesday night that she would come and help out at the house. I called her on Wednesday morning and she was still laying in the bed. I can totally understand that, especially w/ everything that she has to deal w/, so it didn't bother me. She called me back later to see how things were going and if we were going to be able to go to town like we had wanted and I told her no b/c I have a lot to do around the house getting things cleaned and ready for family and the ppl to bring in food and what not. She understood that and asked again if I wanted her to come and help. I told her that she didn't have to if she didn't want to (I honestly wanted her to come but wouldn't ask b/c I learned a long time ago that if you ask in a situation like that ppl will come if they want to or not but the help that is there is really more of a hindrance than a blessing), she said she would come if I wanted her to and I told her that I didn't want her to do anything that she didn't want to do. Shortly after she told me, well I am going to come help for a little bit, I can't stay long but I'll be there shortly. Shortly never came. I am sure that there is a reason that she didn't make it and I still love her all the same...but I will have to confess that I am disappointed. Just wish she'd have at least called back to say she wasn't going to be able to make it.

Work could obviously give a shit less b/c my brothers' places of work all sent flowers or something to the funeral, same for several of my cousins but my work did nothing....oh wait...they found me a sub, but that's their job. Oh well, guess I know where I stand there as well. DJ called and gave her condolence and said that many of the kids had asked about me from the various clubs that I help w/ but that's about it.

R came to the funeral home and to the funeral. Both my grandparents always thought a lot of him and Granny always said she was going to steal him from me. Papa was really glad to see him there. W has called or inquired about me several times since he found out. He called Tuesday and talked to me, his mom told me Wednesday night that she had talked to him and he asked about me and wanted to know how I was doing, she told him I was taking it hard and she said that he told her that he would call not to worry about it, then the funeral was Thursday and he called me tonight just to chat (aka: check up on me though he'd never admit it). He's also kept in touch via text as well. He and R have really kept me afloat through this.

Admittedly, when I am heartbroken or upset, I don't ask for help. I know this. I rely on God to provide me w/ the help I need. If I do ask for help it's b/c I have no where else to turn. In a situation like this I don't like to ask for help b/c it puts a great deal of pressure on the person to accept b/c they know that you are in emotional pain and it's hard to say no. That's why I generally won't ask. People will help if and when they want to with me. I have gone through a great deal of my life like that w/ emotional situations. God has always provided the right person at the right time. I guess that B just wasn't the right person for the job on this one. Just as he has for the last 12 years, R stepped up and accepted the challenge (and believe me, emotional me is a challenge and you never know just what you'll get you just have to be ready to deal with whatever I throw you...sometime literally). And a true brother, W, who says that his main goal in life is to make me miserable every chance he gets, has really been there to offer words of comfort and perspective that only he could give. God has truly blessed me and I thank him daily for that.

"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you." John 14:18

You just never know in what form he will show up.