I feel like they’re wasting our time

People often get angry and don’t understand why I say things sometimes. What makes it frustrating is that they don’t bother to ask me why. So let me explain.

“I feel like they’re wasting our time.”

I made this statement in relation to the progress Tift Regional Medical Center was making on our case the past week. It angered one of the people that heard me say it. However, I don't know that the person really understood why I said it and I don't know that they will eveer ask. But for my own sanity I would like to note here my reasons. I doubt that the person it angered will ever read this. But to avoid building up my own frustration and in an attempt to avoid a confrontation later I explain:

We were admitted on Friday to the hospital. The ER doctor was great. However, the admitting doctor, Dr. Gowdy was worthless. He refused the number that would have gotten him in contact w/ Robby’s doctor within 24 hours. He didn’t want to give Robby his daily vitamins b/c he couldn’t see where that was a necessity. And he didn’t see the point in giving Robby the thiamine that had been started for him in the ER. When the day time hospitalist, Dr. Phillips, came in we had to arrange for Robby to have all of his daily supplements as well the thiamine (did I mention that the diagnosis was officially a vitamin deficiency particularly that of the thiamine). While we arranged for that with the day hospitalist I also asked if his vision would return to normal. I was informed that “as of yet we are not sure what is the cause of the vision issues and cannot yet give a definite yes or no to that question, but I admit that there is a possibility that it will not return to normal and the longer we wait the higher the risk that it will not return to normal or become irreversible.” This freaked me out. Particularly since it was Saturday and they let me know that the optometrist and the neurologist wouldn’t be there until Monday. The neurologist came late on Monday but they informed us that the optometrist wouldn’t be able to be there until Tuesday since he was out of town and no final diagnosis could be made until the optometrist had see him and checked his eyes. So in the back of my mind all I could think was that if we’d have just gone on to Augusta we would had a diagnosis by now b/c we’d have been able to have seen both an optometrist and a neurologist before Monday. I am sure you can all see why I was freaking out. I knew that should this be something that Robby would not be able to recover from that I would be left w/ a husband that was legally blind and I would have to help him start from scratch. He’d have to relearn several things and find a new job, he’d have to choose a new profession and start over with college b/c you can’t fix computers if you can’t see them. He would be back at square one almost in terms of a career. They didn’t let us know until Wednesday that his vision would return to almost or completely normal and that it was definitely a vitamin and thiamin deficiency. WEDNESDAY!!!! So from Saturday until Wednesday I didn’t know if Robby was going to be blind or not. From Saturday until Wednesday I was scared that we were going to have to learn how to help my husband as a blind man. From Saturday until Wednesday I was scared to death and freaking out yet there are still people who are angry b/c I said I felt like they were wasting my time.

Anyone else have questions as to why I feel like they were wasting our time? Feel free to let me know.

I know some of you will read this and totally understand my frustration and wonder why there was ever a need to explain in the first place. I try to explain in an attempt to understand myself better as well. I promised myself a long time ago that I would stop stuffing down emotions and frustrations b/c it all creates a buildup which leads to anger and potentially depression. I have been there and done that and don't care to do it again. I realize that it sometimes makes people angry or uncomfortable while others appreciate it. I am old enough to realize that I cannot make everyone happy even though sometimes I desperately try.

In this situation the person that I was most concerned about was my husband. I realize that not everyone had access to all of the information that I did and were not aware of the potential issues. But for anyone who professes to even begin to know me or understand me at all should know that if I felt like a facility was doing what was best for the love of my life I would not have made that comment in the first place and that I would and did give praise where it was earned. However, Laurel Thatcher Ulrich said it best - "Well-behaved women rarely make history." I have never professed to be what most would consider "well-behaved" lady, nor to I expect to make history. I just try to do what I can, where I can, and I don't mind being the one person in the room that will voice an opinion.

Rules of Engagement

When engaging our children there are certain rules to remember. Each of us has a different opinion of how to do things and go about them depending on how we are raised. There are things that happen throughout our lives that change this perspective. However, there are things that I want to remember should my perspective change. I was inspired after reading Tori Spelling's book Mommywood to write these down lest I forget. I will continue to add to this list through the years for that reason and to allow me to see exactly how my perspective changes. Only time will tell. Some of the things I will write will be based on how I was raised; while others will be written because of things I have seen others do that I don't agree with or want to fall prey to. Please feel free to express your opinion and thoughts on these and share your perspective. Who knows - you might changes someone else’s for the better in the process,

So my rules are as follows:

Appropriate dress:

- I will NOT dress my child like a miniature prostitute.

- Kids will be kids and cloths are washable. Kids will get dirty and that's okay. But if we're going to town, the doctor, church, or something of the sort I will at least try to make sure they're clean when we leave the house.

Internet safety:

- IF I feel my teenager can appropriately wear a a bikini and not fall out of it and be appropriately covered (none of those string things), I will not post a full body pictures of her in said bikini on a website. She can be just as cute while dressed. You never know who is looking at your pictures or who might somehow gain access to them.

- I will not post pictures of my child naked on the internet no matter how cute it may be. My family can wait to see those pics when they come visit.

- The internet isn't a private space....your use of it isn't either. No I don't want to be in my kids business but at the same time I know the dangers of the internet. My children's use of it will be monitored.

Socialization:

- I will know my childrens friends, their home phone number, their cell phone number, and their parents. There are OH SO MANY reasons for this. Besides, it's so easy to keep this information accessible - just keep the phone synced to your computer.

The Words Within The Confusion

I post this here b/c not many people read this blog. There are still those that still do not know how the passing and I didn't want them to find out by reading it on the internet, so names are left out while those closest to them notify others.

Written in response to the death of a person I greatly respected. I didn’t always agree w/ them and we weren’t close but they were there to offer a hand and support when a person needed it. I had more respect for this person than they will ever know. The Community has lost a friend, advocate, and a mentor.

Suicide:

No one knows what goes through a person’s mind just before they kill themselves. Did they feel pain? Were they lonely? Did they feel by doing it they were paying reparations for something? Were they at peace w/ the decision? Did they know just how much they really were loved and what an impact they had made? We can never know. It only leaves those around them who cared asking – Is there something I could have done? If I’d have told them what an impact they had in my life would it have made a difference for them to know that? WHY!? Leaving the message:

[“I” did everything “I” came here to do and feels good about that”]

explains nothing. You obviously know you’ve done a lot for many – just think of what you can do now – what you could have done. It’s baffling. Words don’t describe. We can never understand. You could have helped us understand.

Speechless
Baffled
Sad
Mournful
Anger
Curiosity
Disbelief
Confusion
All this and then some rolled into one. One last selfish act from an otherwise selfless person. You had given of yourself so much; there would have been many who would have given back. You had so much ahead of you only to snuff the candle out. Your life may be gone – but it was not wasted.