I feel like they’re wasting our time

People often get angry and don’t understand why I say things sometimes. What makes it frustrating is that they don’t bother to ask me why. So let me explain.

“I feel like they’re wasting our time.”

I made this statement in relation to the progress Tift Regional Medical Center was making on our case the past week. It angered one of the people that heard me say it. However, I don't know that the person really understood why I said it and I don't know that they will eveer ask. But for my own sanity I would like to note here my reasons. I doubt that the person it angered will ever read this. But to avoid building up my own frustration and in an attempt to avoid a confrontation later I explain:

We were admitted on Friday to the hospital. The ER doctor was great. However, the admitting doctor, Dr. Gowdy was worthless. He refused the number that would have gotten him in contact w/ Robby’s doctor within 24 hours. He didn’t want to give Robby his daily vitamins b/c he couldn’t see where that was a necessity. And he didn’t see the point in giving Robby the thiamine that had been started for him in the ER. When the day time hospitalist, Dr. Phillips, came in we had to arrange for Robby to have all of his daily supplements as well the thiamine (did I mention that the diagnosis was officially a vitamin deficiency particularly that of the thiamine). While we arranged for that with the day hospitalist I also asked if his vision would return to normal. I was informed that “as of yet we are not sure what is the cause of the vision issues and cannot yet give a definite yes or no to that question, but I admit that there is a possibility that it will not return to normal and the longer we wait the higher the risk that it will not return to normal or become irreversible.” This freaked me out. Particularly since it was Saturday and they let me know that the optometrist and the neurologist wouldn’t be there until Monday. The neurologist came late on Monday but they informed us that the optometrist wouldn’t be able to be there until Tuesday since he was out of town and no final diagnosis could be made until the optometrist had see him and checked his eyes. So in the back of my mind all I could think was that if we’d have just gone on to Augusta we would had a diagnosis by now b/c we’d have been able to have seen both an optometrist and a neurologist before Monday. I am sure you can all see why I was freaking out. I knew that should this be something that Robby would not be able to recover from that I would be left w/ a husband that was legally blind and I would have to help him start from scratch. He’d have to relearn several things and find a new job, he’d have to choose a new profession and start over with college b/c you can’t fix computers if you can’t see them. He would be back at square one almost in terms of a career. They didn’t let us know until Wednesday that his vision would return to almost or completely normal and that it was definitely a vitamin and thiamin deficiency. WEDNESDAY!!!! So from Saturday until Wednesday I didn’t know if Robby was going to be blind or not. From Saturday until Wednesday I was scared that we were going to have to learn how to help my husband as a blind man. From Saturday until Wednesday I was scared to death and freaking out yet there are still people who are angry b/c I said I felt like they were wasting my time.

Anyone else have questions as to why I feel like they were wasting our time? Feel free to let me know.

I know some of you will read this and totally understand my frustration and wonder why there was ever a need to explain in the first place. I try to explain in an attempt to understand myself better as well. I promised myself a long time ago that I would stop stuffing down emotions and frustrations b/c it all creates a buildup which leads to anger and potentially depression. I have been there and done that and don't care to do it again. I realize that it sometimes makes people angry or uncomfortable while others appreciate it. I am old enough to realize that I cannot make everyone happy even though sometimes I desperately try.

In this situation the person that I was most concerned about was my husband. I realize that not everyone had access to all of the information that I did and were not aware of the potential issues. But for anyone who professes to even begin to know me or understand me at all should know that if I felt like a facility was doing what was best for the love of my life I would not have made that comment in the first place and that I would and did give praise where it was earned. However, Laurel Thatcher Ulrich said it best - "Well-behaved women rarely make history." I have never professed to be what most would consider "well-behaved" lady, nor to I expect to make history. I just try to do what I can, where I can, and I don't mind being the one person in the room that will voice an opinion.

Rules of Engagement

When engaging our children there are certain rules to remember. Each of us has a different opinion of how to do things and go about them depending on how we are raised. There are things that happen throughout our lives that change this perspective. However, there are things that I want to remember should my perspective change. I was inspired after reading Tori Spelling's book Mommywood to write these down lest I forget. I will continue to add to this list through the years for that reason and to allow me to see exactly how my perspective changes. Only time will tell. Some of the things I will write will be based on how I was raised; while others will be written because of things I have seen others do that I don't agree with or want to fall prey to. Please feel free to express your opinion and thoughts on these and share your perspective. Who knows - you might changes someone else’s for the better in the process,

So my rules are as follows:

Appropriate dress:

- I will NOT dress my child like a miniature prostitute.

- Kids will be kids and cloths are washable. Kids will get dirty and that's okay. But if we're going to town, the doctor, church, or something of the sort I will at least try to make sure they're clean when we leave the house.

Internet safety:

- IF I feel my teenager can appropriately wear a a bikini and not fall out of it and be appropriately covered (none of those string things), I will not post a full body pictures of her in said bikini on a website. She can be just as cute while dressed. You never know who is looking at your pictures or who might somehow gain access to them.

- I will not post pictures of my child naked on the internet no matter how cute it may be. My family can wait to see those pics when they come visit.

- The internet isn't a private space....your use of it isn't either. No I don't want to be in my kids business but at the same time I know the dangers of the internet. My children's use of it will be monitored.

Socialization:

- I will know my childrens friends, their home phone number, their cell phone number, and their parents. There are OH SO MANY reasons for this. Besides, it's so easy to keep this information accessible - just keep the phone synced to your computer.

The Words Within The Confusion

I post this here b/c not many people read this blog. There are still those that still do not know how the passing and I didn't want them to find out by reading it on the internet, so names are left out while those closest to them notify others.

Written in response to the death of a person I greatly respected. I didn’t always agree w/ them and we weren’t close but they were there to offer a hand and support when a person needed it. I had more respect for this person than they will ever know. The Community has lost a friend, advocate, and a mentor.

Suicide:

No one knows what goes through a person’s mind just before they kill themselves. Did they feel pain? Were they lonely? Did they feel by doing it they were paying reparations for something? Were they at peace w/ the decision? Did they know just how much they really were loved and what an impact they had made? We can never know. It only leaves those around them who cared asking – Is there something I could have done? If I’d have told them what an impact they had in my life would it have made a difference for them to know that? WHY!? Leaving the message:

[“I” did everything “I” came here to do and feels good about that”]

explains nothing. You obviously know you’ve done a lot for many – just think of what you can do now – what you could have done. It’s baffling. Words don’t describe. We can never understand. You could have helped us understand.

Speechless
Baffled
Sad
Mournful
Anger
Curiosity
Disbelief
Confusion
All this and then some rolled into one. One last selfish act from an otherwise selfless person. You had given of yourself so much; there would have been many who would have given back. You had so much ahead of you only to snuff the candle out. Your life may be gone – but it was not wasted.

The Chaos Phase

So things are really strange right now. It's finally been decided, R. & I both finally have jobs in S. GA and we will be living in Papa's house until he gets his next promotion. We had made peace w/ the move and were excited about the possibilities it opened up for us to be able to pay off some bills and do a few fun things as well - at least until we had family get pissy and when R. tried to "walk away" (hang up) they threatened to come out to the house and finish the argument. So it was quickly decided at that moment that we weren't going to stay there any longer than absolutely necessary b/c it gives easy access to those who just can't let go. So we're guessing that won't be more than about a year - 18 months tops. In all honesty neither of us wants to dip too far back below the gnat line for too long, w/ it's scorching weather, smothering humidity, and multitude of allergens. But it's something that we can live with and hopefully find the peaceful beginnings we were hoping for in the end. All of my things have been moved into the house and R. is already living there. I will be going down just as soon as school is out in about 2 weeks and R. will be going back to pick up the rest of his things next weekend. We aren't planning to unpack anything more than necessary at this point but we are excited that we will be near a few of our old friends again.

I am currently residing w/ friends just outside of Athens, which is a new experience for me. I miss being able to walk freely through my house w/o worry of what I am or am not wearing. There are so many differences w/ having house mates, but it's also nice not to have to go home and be alone as well. It's a toss up really. I liked having my privacy and such w/o concern b/c it was my mess, my stuff, and if it was messed up I had no one to be angry at me but myself. But I am enjoying staying w/ my friends. They are a unique group and I learn something daily.

It will be interesting to see the S. GA take on me upon my return. A lot has changed since I moved 3 years ago from the typical perspective. Those who really knew me will tell you that I'm still pretty much the same, only more. However, those who did not (which is most people) will see something totally different. I don't want to wear the masks anymore. I haven't worn them much since I moved here, and I don't plan on wearing them much when I move back South. People here get me, they know me, and those who don't - don't care. I've always been an open and blunt person, I've always been fun loving and tomboyish, I've always been sweet, loving and good w/ the elderly and children. All these things are a part of me and haven't really changed, but I think most of S. GA will see it differently. They will see me as a liberal, a feminist (HA), and I think they will finally get to see the girl. I think I have even surprised my family w/ the girl a few times lately. They aren't very familiar w/ that part of me either. I think they'll be pleasantly surprised.

I have already faced resistance. I have had people who will be family ask me to be something I'm not, to be that southern girl w/ the twang they *think* they see when I'm w/ my family - but they don't see that it's a rouse, another mask that I wear for the comfort of specific members of my close family. That mask will also eventually be dissolved, but slowly b/c I believe it truly is the last of them and one I have only held on to b/c of my father and grandfather. I keep the thick southern accent for them b/c it gives them comfort but you will find I slip in and out of it as needed much like satin across smooth skin.

So it should be intriguing to say the least. The wedding day is coming up fast. In a month I will be married. How weird is that. Do I doubt it? no. Am I worried about it? no. I am getting cold feet? no. But I know that I have planned to the point that I can't do anything else until I am back in S. GA to get it done myself. So that means I will have about 2 weeks to get it all done. Should prove interesting.

I am leaving out today going to S. GA for my girls night out party. Keeping it small b/c everything is so pricey and we're staying at L.'s aunt/uncle's house. So it's just me and the bridesmaids over 21 which are L., iB, and me. iB and I are going to S. GA tonight and will get up in the morn and drive on down to St. Merritt Island where L. is. Lord only knows what I am getting myself into w/ those two but I know w/o a doubt it will be good times. lol. I am sure that I will post some pics on the myspace page eventually, at least those that I don't mind being seen. *blush* Apparently iB has been busy making buttons that I will be covered w/. All I know is that the mildest one says "Last fling before the final ring." Ya gotta love my friends.

So I guess you can say the chaos has begun. We aren't to the mad dash phase of things yet but we're well on our way. Gimmie about 2 weeks and then the mad dash is on. Go figure huh? I will be grabbing my planner when I am home that somehow managed to get packed so that I can get it out and start working on my 2 day time line. I know that may sound crazy to some people but I think it will help me to keep my butt moving. I've done well thus far, just wanna keep the momentum up until the finish line. Wish me luck!

In The Planning Process

The count down has begun so I thought I might give you an update. Things are falling into place perfectly (knock on wood). I have had such a good time planning it all and as of right now I am WAY ahead of schedule. Let's hope I can keep it that way.

The three things I have been most concerned about have fallen into place:

I was worried about not getting the photographer I wanted, and recently she let me she was available. YAY!

I was worried about not getting the interpreter that I wanted, but was finally able to get in touch w/ SF last Monday and she is also available. This is more exciting to me that some of you know. SF is one of my mentors and was one of my teachers in college and the only teacher that I have that I have any resect for. She taught me what it was to be an interpreter and how to do the job well and w/ dignity. Every other interpreter that I would consider using for my wedding is either already in the wedding or has already let me know that they will be unable to attend b/c of previous engagements. But SF has always been my first choice. Fortunately she will still be 'in town' that week, or at least as much as in town in Tallahassee can be. None the less, if the wedding had been any other week she might have been in NY. Anyway, I digress, I was esstatic to finally know that she will be able to make it.

I have also been concerned about the cost to produce one of the wedding favors I am creating but today I talked to one of the teachers of one of the classes I interpret in and found out that I can have it done here at the school pretty much at cost. YAY!

So the 3 things I really wanted to have set up and were concerned about are now taken care of. *does a jig*

I also called the lady who will be taking care of things for the reception. She is an old family friend that has done several weddings w/ my mom. So that's all set up now as well.

Invitations have been picked out and designed so now I just have to actually place the order. We aren't odering that many b/c as is the southern tardition the announcement will be in the paper saying that all are welcome to attend. The invitations will be sent to the out of town folks. Since neither of us live at home anymore we now know quite a few ppl out of town so that's how we're handeling that. So don't get upset if you don't get one. You're invited so come on down and join the fun.

I went Saturday and we were able to find a dress for one of my bridesmaids. We have S., L., and i. We were able to find a dress that S. likes, L. thinks she has 3one in one of her many closets for me to look at(I swear that girl has WAY too many formal dresses), and i. has one she's playing w/ at the moment. So dresses are all but done it seems. So glad I chose black, since 2/3 of my bridesmaids are interpreters it's something that we probably already have in our closet..lol.

So everything is falling into place quite nicely. I can see how it would be stressful if you waited until last minute to try to get everything together but for the most part I don't see what all those brides are complaining about. I really have enjoyed the process and I'm lucky enough to have people around me who are always willing to help who are also multi-talented.

The only thing I am really looking for at the moment is a friend who can do the guestbook who is also good w/ a digital camera. I know what I want to do w/ the guest book that will be really nice & unique and will really create special memories, but it requires a person who is willing to take pics.

For those of you coming to the wedding, if you have a digital camera please bring it and take all the pictures that you want. I want to have lots of candid shots that aren't professionally done so if you take pics, I wanna get copies please. Sometimes the best shots are the ones that you may see and catch that the photographer may not. This will also cut down on the number of disposible cameras that children are likely to get a hold of and take pictures of things you are left trying to guess what they are. Besides, digital I can always manipulate which always makes for fun and interest.

So these are the things in my head at the moment and the things I have been doing. So far it's been a fun ride. According to one of the websites I am a member of I am about 2-3 months a head of schedule - which is fine w/ me. I am sure that the procrastinator in me will come out soon enough and that 3 months will help. Especially when the end of the school year is approaching and I am trying to get things packed for moving and.....Lord help me, that's the part I dread..lol.

But as you can see things are falling into place. I know several of you have been asking how it's going and if there was anything you could do to help. Don't worry, I am sure that I can come up w/ something for you to do, just gimmie time. lol. Thank you all for your concern and willingness to help. Stay in touch and look out for those updates. Let me know if you guys have any other questions or concerns you know how to get in touch. If you are feeling left out and want to help just let me know, I'll be more than happy to put your talents to good use.

So until next time kiddies, be good, if you can't be good, be good at it.

I FOUND IT!!!!

I finally found my dress...lol. So now I have to wait a whole year to wear it, but I found it. The lady told me that it was soon to be discontinued and the price on it was w/in my range so I went ahead and got it.

If you want to see it you'll have to come to the wedding. However, I have posted more of the dresses that I tried on in my myspace pictures. Some are just plain funny. Check it out.

It's been a while

I know, too long really. It's been crazy busy and I just haven't made the time.

I'm engaged and VERY excited. I posted the details on my myspace page but I'll repost here as well. I'm sure I'll be back and update you on progess. There is much to tell and catch up on. But for now....

Thursday, May 10, 2007 R, a friend, and I were all going out to dinner. We had decided to go to Porter House in Downtown Athens so I had dressed a little nicer than the typical date b/c I knew it was an upscale resturant. We went in, got a table, and had a wonderful meal. During the meal R had supposedly discovered that his bank card wasn't in his wallet and thought that had fallen out earlier in the day in the car and he went to retrieve it (little did I know). At the end of the meal my friend and I excused ourselves to go to the restroom. When I returned I noticed something under my napkin. I sat down and 'Scion' moved the napkin and under it was a long white box. He reached over and opened the box to reveal a charm bracelet consisting of alternating hearts and circles. On the first heart was engraved "Love You" and on each consecutive heart after it was spelled out M-A-R-R-Y-M-E. I went from "awwww" to "OMG." At the very end of the bracelet he had looped the engagement ring. I was rendered speechless. At that point he reached across the table, took my hand, layed a gentle kiss on it and asked "ALN would you be my wife and grow old with me?" All I could do was giggle, nod and tear up. I finally managed a "uh huh, yes." He then got up, came around the table, took the ring and slid it onto my finger. It was perfect. It happened when I least expected it and in a way that I feel was truly unique. I still can't help but smile and let out the occasional girlish giggle.

Some of the questions people have asked are:

Did you know he was going to propose? Yes, I just didn't know when.

Why did he do it w/ a friend there? b/c he knew that if someone else went w/ us I wouldn't expect it and that the friend it was wouldn't take away from the moment and I wouldn't mind having her there for the special moment. I'm actually glad she was there.

Did he get on one knee? No, we were in a resturant and I'm ok with the public scene but I'm glad he didn't make a big production of it. It was done in a public place w/o it being made a public production. It was kept intimate and beautiful that way. Besides, I'm old fashioned but not always traditional. (And honestly, would you want to get down on a public floor in Athens? lol.)

In all honesty, I wouldn't have changed anything about what he did. It truly was perfect. I will be sure to take pictures of the braclet and the ring soon and post them. So mark your calandar for June 7, 2008. It will be the beginning of, yet again, a new chapter of my life.